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Maxvoltar - Inside Steve’s office

Maxvoltar is the personal weblog of Tim Van Damme, a freelance interface designer at Made by Elephant.

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Inside Steve’s office

I’ve placed a hidden microphone in Steve Jobs’ office at the Apple HQ in Cupertino. Here are a couple of transcripts concerning the launch of the AppStore.

A couple of months ago…

UE Mister Jobs, we have a small problem!
SJ (raises his head from a plate of tofu) What is it, subordinate? (hisses)
UE Well, our clients want apps made by 3rd party developers on their iPhone…
SJ What?! Don’t go all Wozzy on me! If I say they don’t need them, they’re not getting them either! Now let me finish my lunch.
UE I understand, Your Highness, but they really want them. The internet is filled with articles about it.
SJ I see… (pics his teeth for some tofu-leftovers) Will Bono love me less if we don’t do this?
UE I’m afraid so, My Shepherd.
SJ FRACK! (raises from desk) I’ll show him what “Elevation” is. Release the codemonkeys!!
UE The codemonk… I mean, highly skilled programmers are all working on the multi-touch interface for Snow Leopard, Great Emperor.
SJ I guess that’ll have to wait then. I want the AppStore up and running within one month.
UE With all due respect, My Savior, but that’s impossible.
SJ (slowly steps towards his prey) You’re telling me that something is impossible? Nothing is impossible!
UE (looks over his shoulder to locate the handle of the door) I’m sorry, Great Creator, didn’t mean to…
SJ Disappear from my office, and get it done!
UE (runs out of Steve’s office)

Last week…

UE You rang, My Lord?
SJ (while clipping his toe-nails) Don’t be a smartass. How’s the development of the AppStore going.
UE Pretty good, 3rd party developers already submitted 50 applications to it.
SJ 50? 50?! Do you have any idea how much applications are available on the Windows Mobile platform? We’ll look like complete incompetents if we launch with just 50 apps! (tosses his nail-clipper towards the employee)
UE (manages to catch the nail-clipper, but quickly drops it after seeing some toe-nails still on it) What do you want me to do?
SJ You’ve got a pretty big family, right?
UE Please sir, I’ll do anything, but leave my family out of…
SJ You’re speaking again. Shut. Up. (walks to a closet next to his desk, and start searching for his lighter in one of the drawers) Give every member of your family a crash-course in programming for the iPhone.
UE But sir, what should they develop? They’ve never even wrote a single line of code!
SJ I don’t care what they create. Doesn’t matter. For all I care, they can make flashlight apps. We need more apps. 500 seems like a nice number. Yeah… (inhales from his peace pipe)

Yesterday…

UE You summoned me, Your Holiness?
SJ Yes, infidel. I wanted to show you what a success my idea is.
UE But, sir, I thought the AppStore was my…
SJ Silence! So, is everybody happy now? What about Bono?
UE Bono’s very happy, sir. Now he can finally check his Facebook activity all the time. But now the 3rd party developers are complaining.
SJ What do those whino’s want now? We already give them 70% revenue!
UE They want options to beta-test their apps, and also a better way to get crash reports.
SJ Beta-test, shmeta-test. Let them whine. Tofu?

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